Author: Khristi Adams

In the 5th grade I discovered basketball. Well, no…actually, the basketball coaches from Jr. High and High School intentionally came down to our middle school to see who had any potential, and they intentionally picked out those that display any talent. So from there, I was one of the chosen few and therefore became an athlete. In East Brunswick, a township full of star athlete’s I was a C athlete at best. My mile run time was not as fast as the others. My weight was always more than the others. My ability to learn plays was not as quick as the others. I was always shorter than the others- which made me have to work twice as hard. To the average person, I was a pretty capable athlete, but it’s really hard to be a star among stars. Nevertheless, it was during that time in my life that the importance and discipline of exercise was instilled in me- whether I liked it or not. I went on to become a better athlete as the years went on but I never really loved working out. I just did it cause I knew it was important to have as part of one’s lifestyle- and it was really all I knew. In college I worked out a little here and there. After college, again, a little here and there. I never really understood the concept of working out “on your own.” I absolutely suck at walking into a gym and doing some form of cardio and then getting on the weight machines. I get bored easy. I’ll go in at 10am and then be walking out the door at 10:20am. I am not self motivated at the gym at all. I find it SO BORING!

Later into my 20’s I discovered Spin Class. It was both invigorating and exciting. I loved the music, the lights and the speed. I became obsessed with spin. And I lost mad weight doing spin too! Originally upon going, I was intimidated by all the fit looking people and how the people in the class never seemed to need to just…take a break geeeeeez. But I’ve always been a big believer in knowing that conditioning takes time. You just have to get over that first hump and then you’ll notice that you’re getting more and more adjusted. So I just kept going and trying and eventually, I was one of those people that didn’t really need to take a break. Unfortunately after a big cross country move and a new demanding job, it was hard for me to make that same commitment. Then I found myself getting bored again. If the teacher wasn’t good and the music isn’t good then the class is going to suck and I found myself going less and less. Or rather, going and then jumping off the bike in the middle of the class thinking to myself, “boo!” I still would switch it up and go for a jog every now and then or a boot camp class or a yoga class, but I just couldn’t find anything I was in love with. My last year in California I probably gained 10-12 pounds from taking students to get Mexican and treating myself to Chik-Fil-A milkshakes every time I felt I had something to celebrate (which was often becauseI ALWAYS celebrated getting through a 12 hour work day). My last few months there I discovered a kickboxing class that I liked but again because it was in Pasadena and given my work schedule, I couldn’t fully commit.

Then I moved to DC and discovered Title Boxing.

I LOVE TO BOX. I finally found a workout that I actually enjoy and have managed not to get bored with in the past 10 months. It’s intense. It’s a full body workout. 15 minutes of cardio. 30 minutes of boxing with 8- 3 minute rounds and 15 minutes of core work. I don’t have time to get bored because things are switched up every 2 minutes and the instructors are super intense which makes it hard to sneak out of class (and believe me I need that accountability because I will be the first person to sneak out.) I even lost most of the weight I gained from all those milkshakes. lol. But I think part of that has to do with me being a pescatarian now- which will be another blog.

When it comes to exercising, it’s important to find a workout that fits you. All workouts are not created equal. Everyone is not going to love everything. People think I’m some fitness guru but that’s just not the case. I just know it’s important to keep my body moving and so in turn I realized I can only do that in things that I like doing. So you’ll never see me just go to the gym and get on a machine cause I hate that. You wont see me in a Zumba class or anything either. But I found something I like so i’m just gonna stick with that for this season. I like to jog to every once and a while- but even that I don’t love. I just do it every now and then to switch things up. I have a friend who discovered Yoga and that is what she’s chosen. My other friend loves to dance, so she takes dance classes. Just do what works for you. Exercise for you, for your health, well being and even your sanity. It even breaks up some of the stress and anxieties of life. And last but not least, in the words of the great Elle Woods:

I discovered Sex & the City about 1 year after it went off the air. I’d heard of it, of course. I’m not sure who (of age) could avoid hearing about the popular series in the early 2000s. I don’t remember much. I just remember it was in a time when sex on television was still pretty taboo. Janet Jackson’s exposed breast during a Superbowl halftime show was the controversial moment on national television during that time. There were no soft-porn like sex scenes on cable or broadcast tv like we see the likes of now. TV programs weren’t even allowed to say the “B” word or “A” word, but now we don’t even blink when certain words or images grace our television set. “Sex & the City” was immensely popular during that time. Me, being in my 20’s and really very guarded when it came to my faith and my lifestyle- well I sort of judged the show. So I didn’t take much interest in finding out much about it. It was about sex and single women and not only was the sex topic an unmentionable one in the Christian community, it certainly was an off topics conversation for single women. There was only;

Virtue.

Purity.

Waiting.

Those were the key words I heard when it came to any communication about singleness, sex or relationships. It’s like this episode I once saw of Preachers of LA, where one Pastor was having a relationship conference (or something). They separated the married couples from the singles. The married couples got to go to the room to talk to a sex and relationships therapist. They looked like they had fun. The single individuals got to go to the basement to get a lecture by a 50 year old single Pastor who happened to be a virgin. While the guy seemed like he was pretty cool, I couldn’t help but think, why couldn’t they get to talk to the sex and relationships therapist? Why do single women and men in the church get the half hearted, constricted messages?

As I walked home, I couldn’t help but wonder … When did being alone become the modern-day equivalent of being a leper?”- Carrie Bradshaw, Season 2

I was actually in seminary when I stumbled upon a few re-runs of Sex & the City on TBS in the late evening. After laughing through 3 episodes, it was like suddenly I wasn’t the only one in the room anymore. I had these 4 women with me who were strangely speaking my thoughts and stumbling through life with the same clumsiness and satire that I had been.

“Think about it. If you are single, after graduation there isn’t one occasion where people celebrate you … Hallmark doesn’t make a “congratulations, you didn’t marry the wrong guy” card. And where’s the flatware for going on vacation alone?”

As we speed along this endless road to the destination called who we hope to be, I can’t help but whine, ‘Are we there yet?’”

“Maybe our mistakes are what make our fate. Without them, what would shape our lives?”

“Maybe the past is like an anchor holding us back. You have to let go of who you were to become who you will be.”

I spent the next few nights and weeks, looking forward to watching those mini TBS marathons. Here were these four 30-something White women and here I was this one 20-something Black (and Christian) woman and I couldn’t figure out why I could relate. My life wasn’t exactly like theirs, nor were my life choices. And honestly I can’t sit here and say that this blog is an endorsement of certain life choices and/or behavior patterns. That’s not my point. My point is that my heart and my mind, my emotions and even my hormones were finally being heard. And up until that point I hadn’t really been provided a space where I could express that without judgement. Not only was I not provided that space, but I had not come in contact with many authentic people to help guide me through that. Instead, I looked to these characters on television for any semblance of understanding.

“I couldn’t help but wonder: When will waiting for the one be done?”

“Do we search for lessons to lessen the pain?”

“After all, computers crash, people die, relationships fall apart. The best we can do is breathe and reboot.”

“To be in a couple, do you have to put your single self on a shelf?”

“Being single used to mean that nobody wanted you. Now it means you’re pretty sexy and you’re taking your time deciding how you want your life to be and who you want to spend it with.”

“Friendships don’t magically last forty years … You have to invest in them.”

“One woman’s trash is another woman’s treasure.”

“After a while, you just want to be with the one that makes you laugh.”

“Relationships are not about playing games. They’re about mature and honest communication.”

“No matter who broke your heart, or how long it takes to heal, you’ll never get through it without your friends.”

My friends and I became so enamored with the series that we went to Best Buy, and the store had this pink binder that contained all 6 seasons on DVD. Each of us for various birthday’s and milestones in life would gift the other with “The Pink Binder.” It got me through some tough times. Got me through some tough breakups. Got me through some times when I felt alone and misunderstood. It got me through times when I needed to know I wasn’t the only person on the planet who made those mistakes. And it still gets me through now, in my 30’s, from time to time when I get a chance to pop a DVD in. 

The show revolutionized singleness and honored it. This is something that is so anti-culture and really the opposite of the messages I received in the church. It put singleness at the center, which is rarely the case. Singleness is always on the margins. It’s the “other” category. The “still loading” category. The category that they say you don’t want to find yourself in after a certain age or place in life. It’s something we spend most of our lives striving NOT to be. But then there was this: 

“A Woman’s Right to Shoes” (click to view clip)

Yes they talked about the joys and celebrations of singleness. There were also the frustrations. There was the uncertainty of dating. The reality that there is nothing wrong with wanting to get married and then nothing wrong with just being okay with being unattached. There were poor decisions made and really successful ones. There were career changes and setbacks. There were babies and marriages and failed marriages. There were ex’s and inlaws. There were friendship arguments and tears and laughs. There were single date nights. There were perfect guys that just weren’t right. There were annoying baby showers and cats. There were choices around buying and renting. There were spontaneous vacations and long conversations in the local diner. There were recurring themes of just about everything I am currently experiencing right now in my life as a single 33 year old woman. In spite of many apparent differences in how we approach and even look at life, I still have my pink binder as a guide. 

“Eventually all the pieces fall into place. . . until then, laugh at the confusion, live for the moment, and know that everything happens for a reason.”

I wish that somehow the church had better prepared me for what it meant and means for me to venture through this world as a single Christian woman. Because honestly “just wait” is about as lackluster of a message as any one person should ever have to hear in any one lifetime.

A few weeks ago I got the opportunity to spend a week with a few young ladies at something we church folk like to call “Vacation Bible School”. Honestly, it had been a while since I’ve done….well really anything. Last year my life consisted of preaching or speaking to some group large or small just about every other day for months and months at a time. This year, since my big transition, I speak here and there, much to the dismay of those around me who think I should be using my gifts. Alas, after months of binge watching Netflix, barely opening a single book and socializing on weeknights, it almost time for me to walk back into what I was placed on this earth for.

It started with these girls.

I only had 4 days with them. What was I supposed to say for 4 days in 2 hour time blocks? I thought long and hard about scriptures I could use. Wondered where to venture in the bible. Wondered what i could say to spawn some sort of move of God. Then, I thought about this quote that I heard Lauryn Hill say on her Unplugged album.

“I used to be a performer and I really don’t consider myself a performer so much anymore, I’m really just sharing.”

I don’t even have it in me to perform anymore. I’m exhausted trying to be somebody to make somebody else more comfortable with my existence. I don’t want to perform or preach another sermon. I don’t want to wear anymore uniforms or speak in the tongues of angles. I just wanna be free to be me. And I want for these girls to be free to be who they are too, and simultaneously, free to be who God created them to be. So I did all that I knew to do, which was just share. Share bits and pieces of me and how I came to be me. All those lessons that Ive learned along the way that have freed me from the bounds of societal and cultural limitations. I knew that if I did that with any sense of integrity then I wouldn’t have to force bible lessons and the like. God would emanate from me in the manner in which God desired.

It was such a beautiful mess. 

There was no order really. I mean I had notes here and there, but nothing for real. We talked about different aspects of our identity. Womanhood, Blackness, Christhood. We talked media’s role in the unhealthy messages we receive. We watched a clip from Jean Kilbournes “Killing Us Softly” and the film “Misrepresentation.” I asked them when the first time they thought they were ugly. I had them cut out subliminal messages in magazine ads. I had them watch the documentary “A Girl Like Me.” We read articles on Saartjie Baartman, the Black woman kidnapped from South Africa in 1810 displayed in a circus as a freak because of her unique body features. We watched clips from the Tyra Banks Show. I had them take pictures of themselves and put them on Instagram and caption who they are and who they are NOT. We watched a few videos about what it means to fear God and what it means to follow Jesus Christ. We talked about our identities as disciples and not church members and Sunday church goers.

and finally…

Finally we did Vision Boards.

No….

We had a Vision Board Party and celebrated our futures with donuts and brownies and fruit and pizza. So what happens when a beautiful mess and 30 girls collide?

Hopefully, someone is bound to get free, if not myself.

I just hope that me sharing and not preaching…sharing and not performing…planted some seed in them that would give them at least a tiny bit of the freedom that it took almost 33 years for me to experience.

Recently I watched a semi-conversation unfold on twitter between a friend and a Pastor. They were engaging in a tit for tat debate over the usage of some colloquial saying for God. My friend thought that perhaps the word was too informal and the Pastor guy just brushed him off. When my friend (along with another woman) continued the disagreement, the Pastor- who used the word in a recent sermon series- refuted with: “We had 500+ salvations, 500+ visitors & 3000+ commit to purity through this series.” My friend simply responded “Happy for you.” To which the Pastor guy then responded, “No you’re not you’re a hater, but I love ya.”

Huh?

I mean, I get it. I guess he was trying to say “look I used the word and as a result of that word we had all of these people respond to it well and they liked it so there take that.” I wasn’t in that conversation so I can’t speak to it. But what disturbed me was this mentality that I have been seeing a trend of when it comes to leaders in ministry. It’s the idea that large numbers equates to success.

MEGAchurch

MEGAministry

MEGAfest (not that I have any issue with MegaFest. I actually like the idea of that conference)

It’s this idea that the larger the church roster, the larger the number of people that come when an “altar call” is called, the larger the conference, the larger the number of commitment forms etc, then the more that authenticates ones ministry. And honestly, while I’m sure that the intent of amassing large numbers has a percentage of well meaning, a substantial amount of it is grounded in pride and narcissism.

As a young person in ministry I watched that growing up (not necessarily at my own church) and unfortunately it rubbed off on me. Once upon a time, I too believed that numbers were everything when it came to determining whether or not my call was noteworthy and if this faith thing was really working. I would pride myself on just how many youth were in OUR youth ministry. “Well over 600”, I would respond. Never mind the fact that I only saw 100 of that number on Sunday mornings and furthermore only had significant relationships with about 35 of them. At the end of a sermon, if I would give the call for someone to come for prayer or come to Christ, I’d be praying in my heart that someone would accept the call and secretly patting myself on the back for the number of people that would come to the front because THAT would mean that a real move of God took place.

What a warped way of thinking.

Warped because while Jesus ministered to the multitudes, his more significant ministry appeared to be the close circle of 12 of whom he discipled. Warped because it was this very man who said:

 “Suppose one of you has a hundred sheep and loses one of them. Doesn’t he leave the ninety-nine in the open country and go after the lost sheep until he finds it? ⁵ And when he finds it, he joyfully puts it on his shoulders ⁶ and goes home. Then he calls his friends and neighbors together and says, ‘Rejoice with me; I have found my lost sheep.’ ⁷ I tell you that in the same way there will be more rejoicing in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who do not need to repent.” (Luke 15)

One day, sometime after I’d left that particular job and grew in my mentality, I remember speaking to my younger sister (who was in the youth ministry that I led) about discipleship. I’ll never forget when she asked me, “What does that mean?” I hung my head in shame. Major fail. I went through 3+ years in what looked like a successful youth ministry, with lots of large numbers and one of the most important concepts was never priority enough to stick. The numbers were though. The popularity was. How many kids came to our retreats and our hip-hop Christian concerts was. What had I done?

Somewhere we’ve gotten lost in all these numbers. We’ve gotten lost in how many seats we can fill at our stadium sized churches and how many twitter followers we have. That is not the gospel. The gospel is about discipleship. And what I’ve learned is that discipleship takes time and energy. It can be messy. It is thankless and humble. Discipleship is about journeying with that one person through celebrations and setbacks, victories and failures. I have so much respect for the Pastors, pastoring their small-midsized congregations and intentionally juggling their time visiting hospitals, counseling, teaching and being present. Those who don’t have the major book deals or whose popular name can draw large crowds to their expensive conferences. I don’t envy those with large sets of people under their care because I realize how daunting the task of true discipleship is and know that while they may be self-impressed with their large numbers, chances are they are failing in basic discipleship 101. I’m not saying that all are, but I am saying that the enchanting spell of quantity can cloud the significance of quality.

I’ve preached in a lot of settings, to large and small crowds alike, but nothing gives me more joy than to see that one person that I’ve had the privilege of journeying with, succeed at life. Even in my own personal life, my spiritual growth isn’t attributed principally to that time I heard that great sermon and went to the altar call among dozens of other people and cried and filled out a card that said “hey I love Jesus.” It’s the people who have discipled me and journeyed with me. It’s the ones who really truly pastored me. It is to them, I say “thank you.” I want to ask that pastor guy my friend was tweeting, to reflect on where those 500 visitors, 500 salvations and 3000 commitment cards will be in 10 years. Because the truth of the matter is this: The numbers alone don’t carry the weight. The discipleship does.

My friend Eleith decided to “go natural” in college. Not only did she do that but she vowed to never straighten her hair ever again. I didn’t understand. “You mean, you’re not even going to press it?” This was in the early 2000s. Probably like, 2002 or something. The natural hair movement was not as permeating through our culture as it is now. Going to Temple University, I would see Black girls with various styles, wraps, braids, locks. I thought it was a college phase or something you did when you went to a city college like ours in Philadelphia. My last semester I took a class called, “The Black Woman.” Walking into that class was the first time I ever felt like a hair minority. I was the only one with a relaxer, let alone with straight hair period. Honestly I think they judged me for it, which to this day is problematic when Black women judge other Black women for their hair choices. Every single class I felt uncomfortable. I was insecure in my Black womanhood

….all over hair? 

Yes. 

I wondered why I didn’t have the confidence to pull those styles off. I thought that maybe if I’d started my hair transition when I was a freshman, then I would have had time to experiment. There I was leaving the school. I thought there’d be no way that would work in the real world.

So from then on I continued going to the hair salon every 6-8 weeks (sometimes sooner) to get my perm put in.

I’d go to the Dominican salon every 2 weeks to get my doobie. I’d notice my ends breaking every few months and go back and get it chopped off. This was the routine for the next 8 years. But I’d been getting my hair permed since I was 6. People would tell me that I should go natural and I didn’t think it would look right on me. I was afraid of my hair curl pattern. What if it was “too nappy”? (Another problematic concept) I thought that it made sense for “other women” to go natural but not for me. I was thinking all about style, but not about health. It wasn’t until my hair had grown at a good length after years, that I noticed significant breakage and I started thinking about what would happen if I never got a perm ever again. I thought about it for a few months and then one day after getting my last perm in February of 2011, I noticed a scab from the chemical burning on my scalp. It was then that I said, “enough!” I didn’t know where to begin or how but that was it. My hair stylist convinced me that I didn’t have to cut all my hair off. She said that I could transition out of it and she would straighten my hair with a hot comb and flat iron and trim the permed hair bit by bit. It pretty much broke off on its own. All the heat mixed with the leftover chemical on my ends was a nightmare. Cute the first few days but after that was hard to keep up.

I went ahead and put a weave in so that my own hair could grow underneath it.

I would figure out what to do with it later. Once I moved to southern California, there were not a lot of choices for natural hair salons…actually there was like 1 that I could find. Different from the East Coast where there are a plethora of choices. So I kept the weave in. I’d take it out and get it in again. When I finally found a woman who knew how to straighten natural hair, I started going to her to do my own hair. Once again, my hair started to break off. Not as much as it did when I had a perm. It was thicker and fuller, but again, the heat wasn’t good for it. I’d maybe get braids or twists and then take it out and straighten it again. It was at this point in my journey that I was at a crossroads. I needed to have a long conversation (in my head) with myself.

What’s at stake if your hair is not worn straight? Do you think you will be ugly?

Who told you, you HAD to wear your hair straight? 

Will men be attracted to me? If they’re not then why would I want to be with someone who doesn’t like me in my most natural state?

And on and on, I asked myself those hard questions about why the hair that came out of my own roots had to be manipulated in order to be accepted. It’d be one thing if my sole reason was to explore the diverse styles that we can do with our hair. But that wasn’t my sole reason. Mine was because I felt like I had to. At the time I was exploring the themes within my own personhood, womanhood and even singleness that I AM ENOUGH. So why not have this ideology spill over into my image as well? I made a deal with myself that I would not straighten my hair for the next 6 months. I would not, even when tempted, get a weave or even braids. I would just wear the hair on my head and style the hair on my head and that was it. I had to come to terms with the complete me.

My godsister, Kai, told me about a man name Shai Amiel in Burbank that specialized in cutting natural, curly hair. He was going to be expensive but if I wanted to start that journey I needed to get all the straight heat damaged ends cut from my head. I went to him and he cut my hair (a DevaCut) and lectured me a bit on what it means to care for your curls.

He told me which products to stay away from and how I need to care for every single curl on my head. He told me that our curls need hydration, not grease. I took many notes. He also suggested that I leave my hair alone for 6 months (the time id even agreed on) to just condition it daily and that my natural curl would begin to take shape. I hated my hair when I left the salon. But as the days and months went on, I have spent countless hours loving and caring for my curls. I’ve worked mainly with DevaCurl products, Ouidad, Crème of Nature and a few other products. Sometimes I’ll twist at night, sometimes I’ll just wash, style and go, sometimes I’ll put it up. I’ve even read books on the Black hair experience such as “Hair Story: Untangling the Roots of Black Hair in America” by Ayana Byrd. (Highly recommend) 

It’s been exactly 1 year since I started that 6 month journey. I figured why not keep going? It has been wonderful! Maybe i’ll switch it up again and straighten my hair again at some point, or braid it or something. But now it’s more about health than anything. Health on the outside and inside. And i’ve enjoyed working on making sure my inner self matches my outer self. It hasn’t been easy, but it’s been worth the journey. I remember hearing the phrase “natural hair journey” and never understanding what it meant. Now I get it.